


Nothing (but memories inside my head)

by Publisher021



Series: Publisher021's Whumptober2019 [10]
Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Author Can't Tag, Established Relationship, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Mentions of PTSD and depression, Past Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Steve and Tony are there for one another, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, but the relationship DOES NOT cure PTSD or depression, short fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:13:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23801395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Publisher021/pseuds/Publisher021
Summary: Seeing a therapist had helped him to see things better, clearer. It had helped him to process his time spent in Afghanistan better. But on the anniversary of his return, he was reduced to unhealthy coping mechanisms, namely working on his suits until the early hours of the morning.He also knew that should he go sleep, his sleep would be plagued with nightmares of his time spent in Afghanistan. Despite his visits to numerous therapists, dealing with nightmares, and sometimes waking to the feeling of being out of sorts were normal. And he had learned to accept it somewhat, after all, it was part of his PTSD.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Publisher021's Whumptober2019 [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1508237
Kudos: 7





	Nothing (but memories inside my head)

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts 26, 27, 28 for Whumptober - Abandonment, Beaten, Ransom. 
> 
> This is a really short fic, as it's just so I could finish these prompts and also because I mostly didn't know what to write. I just want to finish this because I hate leaving things unfinished, and because I want to carry on writing my longfic *hides away* 
> 
> I do want to say that the tags state that there are mentions of PTSD, but in no way does Steve and Tony's relationship cure it. I hate that people think that love and being in a relationship can cure things like depression and PTSD, because they can't. It only makes things a little bit better, and this isn't the case with most people. For some, being in a relationship or in love might make things more difficult for them.
> 
> Anyway, I apologize for the mini-rant and for the super short fic, but at least it's something.

To think that his vacation from hell - also known as his kidnapping in Afghanistan - had happened more than ten years ago, and on the anniversary of his return, all he could do was work on his suits. While he liked to think that his numerous visits to various therapists had helped somewhat, and Pepper threatening to leave him at least a couple of times in their brief relationship, deep down he knew that they only helped him process things a bit better. But in the quiet of the lab - as quiet as it could ever get down in the lab with the sounds of the bots and the humming of machinery - his brain simply wouldn't shut down; flitting from one painful memory to the next. 

He could name all of them, and sometimes they grew to be so different from what actually happened that he knew it was just his PTSD playing up again. Not that his psyche knew the difference between reality and memories that were made up during those instances. 

He didn't like to dwell on those memories, and as soon as his panic attack was over, he locked them up in the deepest part of his head and heart that he knew, hoping that it would never see the light of day. But hoping for something and experiencing something was very different, and he knew that he would have to relive those memories again, sometime.

Despite his valiant attempts at not thinking and dwelling on those torturous three months he had spent in Afghanistan, he remembers what it feels like to be beaten, and worst of all, he remembers the feeling of abandonment that had made his long, horrible days seem even longer. At times, no matter how Yinsen had tried to motivate him and to encourage him, he honestly believed that he was going to die in that cave. He believed it so strongly, that by the time he had actually made it out of the cave, a part of him was a little bit disappointed. That's something that he kept to himself and didn't bother telling his therapist. Then people would really think there was something wrong with him.

And on the days when he feels out of sorts and he knows, just  _ knows  _ that he'll be revisiting that cave in his nightmares, Steve is always there to ground him.

Steve sometimes offers a kind word, or a hug, more often than not he is silent, as he knows exactly what is going through his mind. After all, he went through it, too. He'd believed that he would die in the ice, welcomed it even, and when he woke up he couldn't help but feel disappointed that he wasn't dead. Those feelings had obviously cemented as time went on and the longer he was forced to spend in the twenty-first century. A period in which people didn't bother helping him to acclimate, and instead ridiculed him and made fun of his lack of knowledge in ways that were unsubtle. 

When Steve has nightmares, it is often of the ice, sometimes other things, but he always,  _ always  _ ends up thanking him after. For what he doesn't know, but Steve is adamant that he helped him. After his nightmare, he gets this look in his eyes, only sometimes, and when he does, it scares Tony, because he knows that look. He's been there multiple times, and he knows that it's the look of a man that's given up, that's defeated.

So yes, his therapists and Pepper's threats have helped him process his time spent in Afghanistan. But if it was one thing he learned, it is that the human mind is fragile, and can be broken easily. He's come to accept that nightmares will come, it's part of his PTSD. And his little issue with abandonment might not be a result of PTSD, probably just made it stronger, but he will always have Steve there to remind him that he isn't alone, whether he says it in words or shows it with his actions. And if Steve wasn't there, then he had the team and Pepper and Rhodey. That's the thing with family, it could be from shared DNA, or it could be family that you found, but they will always be there for you.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm nearly done with my Whumptober prompts, and I can't wait. I promised that i'd write more, and I am trying. I apologize that this is so short but my other fic seemed to scream "Write me first!" so I caved. To be fair, I had lots of inspiration for my other longfic, and to me this fic was uninspired and rushed, also less interesting. I felt I could do better but I really want to finish my whumptober prompts before I post any other new works. Ugh.


End file.
